Tuesday, February 23, 2010

For My Sister

Dearest Sister,
I think of you and miss who I once knew you to be. I miss days of laughing until our sides ached. Your life is like the waning moon, dimmer than it used to be. Still beautiful, still enchanting, but reflecting less light. You've given up hope, but I haven't. I miss you-we all do. Life 'before' probably seems like a wisp of dream faintly recalled. Maybe by now, it is easier to return to drugs and alcohol which promise escape but slowly strangle you instead. Sobriety brings shame and you've yet to forgive yourself. You hide your nakedness...why? We are all naked before God. Not one of us is perfect or deserving of forgiveness and grace.

I see you punish yourself and I watch you let others, who can't be trusted, abuse you. I so understand the fear of being alone and abandoned. But you've been fighting on your own terms and losing. Why is accepting God's mercy so much harder?

Somewhere deep in my soul, I wait for the call that you aren't here anymore. The beautiful memories of the happiest baby in the world will only exist in my mind. I grieve losing you and it feels like you are already most of the way gone.

What would you do if I died tomorrow? Who would you tell and why would I have mattered? I feel that if for no other reason, you owe it to me to fight your way free. If you leave, my echo in this wide world will vanish too. In your presence, I know that the early part of my life was real-not imagined-and not only that, but I've survived it. If you are gone, who will share my laughter? Who with remember going to Granny's farm, bumping over cattle grates and onto gravel with me?

I've never known why, but I've always felt you don't like yourself. Are you fundamentally less valuable than the next person? If you were the last girl on earth, Jesus would still brave the cross just for you. He loves you in a way that you can't understand. Of all the people in your life, Jesus is the one who doesn't want anything from you. He wants things FOR you. He wants to give you His love, peace, joy, freedom...all of those things you can't give yourself.

I too am waiting for you. I am standing on this side of life watching you fade and it breaks my heart! You still have life to live; don't give up! We haven't; we are all pulling for you; we are all praying for you, but not one of us can take away your free will.

What do you have to lose that you haven't already lost? We all want you to win. I know that you can. Even more importantly, God says that you can.
I love you!

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